Why are you living alone? Is this an interfering question? Does it imply some level of strangeness about living alone as a woman in my 20’s? It’s one I have been asked far too many times recently, but it has managed to inspire a blog post so I’m not too mad.
First off, shall I answer the question? Why have I chosen to live alone? To start with, I wanted to move out, I wanted to move out four years ago when I left uni but I couldn’t afford to. I love my family home, I love my family, I enjoyed living there very much and it certainly felt like a comfortable, happy life. I didn’t need to move out as such, but it was time. I was bursting out of the room. I’m 25 and I wanted my own space to be proud of. So now you have context, I wanted my own place. Up until the start of 2016, I was in a committed long term relationship of five years, so naturally, I thought I’d live with him, alas it didn’t work out so I had to realign my thinking. Out of all my closest friends, the ones that live near me, live with partners, and the ones who don’t, live many, many miles away. I also didn’t want to live with strangers and didn’t need to financially either. I wanted my space, not a shared space that was never going to really be mine to customise and change. So who did that leave to live with? Someone reliable, someone I knew wouldn’t leave me, someone I could get on with, someone who shared my tastes and values. It’s me guys. Me.
My reason for living alone isn’t brave or empowering, because that makes it sound like it should be something bold and unusual for a woman in her 20’s in the 21st Century to live alone. It can for sure be a real sense of YES to being able to do it alone, buying a home isn’t cheap and is very hard to afford alone. So yes that is for sure a win, and that is empowering and brave. But the actual process of doing it alone shouldn’t be so unusual or taboo. Should it? I don’t want to speak for all of womankind. But I also don’t want people to keep asking me why I’ve moved out alone. Because also. It hurt to lose that relationship and the life that was with it and it still does feel a bit weird that it isn’t him I’m living with. But. We move on. I didn’t have a choice if I wanted to move out. It’s not like I turned down a long list of friends and lovely chaps to do this alone. I’m excited to be doing it by myself, but also this was option a, b and c for me if I wanted to move out this year.
I’d actually say the most common way people ask the question is ‘who are you moving out with’? That seems to be the first thing asked. It’s the instant assumption that I’m moving out with someone. I also find a common question, but not linked to the move, is from older relatives to ask if I’ve found a partner yet. Can we all eye roll please because I’m sure any single person on their 20’s has had this question! Why is it society is so obsessed with us being with someone? Me and my 50 cats are purr-fectly happy thank you very much!
So what ties together my rants here? It’s the assumption by default within most of society that we single women can’t get by on our own. And it’s not that it’s assumed a bad thing if we are alone, but I’m really sick of people jumping to the conclusion that I’m doing something with someone else and not just myself. In an age of female leaders, activists, politicians, artists and so much more, it still feels like a constant struggle to be seen as a singular, acceptable entity. Does this make any sort of sense or have I lost you? It seems like I can’t even walk to town and enjoy a sit down in a cafe without being asked who I did it with.
I’m enjoying my freedom, the lack of commitments tying me to things and responsiblities to account for on behalf of others. I’m looking after myself, one day maybe they’ll be someone else there. But it’s nice to know that for now I’ve enjoyed my own time and I also know how to be alone.
It’s really hard to write this and not sound like a bitter single person. That’s not why I’m writing it. I’m writing it because this reflection of society is sinking itself into our brains and thinking we can’t be alone. How many people stay in relationships they aren’t that happy in just because they don’t want to be on their own? Why can’t we normalise women being alone? I know at times it can be scary, I get that. But we shouldn’t feel like we can’t do it or that it is strange if we do! If you’re reading this as another single woman living alone, then sod those who will you judge you. Because people will, god knows why. You’re doing something for you and that is pretty damn great! And one final note, if you’re thinking of asking someone why they are alone, don’t, it can be rude and hurtful, more so than you’d realise.
I have watched your moving vlogs and you are such an inspiration! Tbh I wish I could experience the independence living alone brings but I cant at the moment. And I dont understand why is the topic of a single woman moving out on their own even a topic worth discussing? People just love to talk and interfere in others lives, especially if it’s a young woman. I don’t see anything odd about it. Also, I love your flat! It’s so cute and cozy.
When I was 23 I moved out of my parents place and my sister begged to come with me. We lived together for 10 years before I met my husband. Most people thought it was weird but was quite a few elderly women said it was marvelous and they wished they could have done the same instead of marrying too young.
I really wish I could live on my own but even studio flats are over half my wage (I should have picked a better paying career!) I’m a massive introvert so having to talk all day at work, then coming home to more people (I have to do the living with random people thing) I find exhausting. My dream is to live alone!