Face the Fear, Alyssa’s story: facing her fear of being herself

As part of this blog series, Face the Fear, I have been interviewing women about how they have faced their fears and what they went through to get to where they are now.

This series is tapping into the minds of incredible women, who have one way or another faced their fears. You can read the original Face the Fear blog post to find out why I wanted to write this and what my own fears are.

Today I’m interviewing Alyssa, you can find Alyssa over at her blog Read ’em and Weep.

Tell me a bit about yourself? What do you do, what do you love, where are you from?

My name’s Alyssa, I’m 23 years old, and I live in Ohio, US. I am the Metadata Support Clerk at Junior Library Guild—a book subscription service for school and public libraries—so I get to be surrounded by books every day. I love books (obviously), as well as baking, photography, binge-watching TV series and films, playing video games, and blogging.

What is the fear you’re going to be writing about today?

My fear of being myself.

How long have you had this fear/what made it start to develop?

I think I’ve always been afraid to be myself. I was taken out of public school at a very young age and went to an online charter school during some of the most formative years of my life. Being an already socially awkward, anxious individual, the isolation from my peers and the under-lock-and-key lifestyle my mom provided only worsened my situation. Not only did I not have friends to encourage me to be myself, but my own mom disliked who I truly was. She didn’t like that I was a reader of fiction; that I was “fat,” something she reminded me of daily; that I was introverted; that I had views and values that differed from hers. She did everything she could to smother me, in every possible way. And I let her.

When/why did you realise you had to face your fear?

During my final two years of high school, when I returned to public school, I began to make friends, go on adventures, immerse myself in different cultures… I truly began to feel like myself, at least when I wasn’t at home. At home, I felt trapped, alone, and afraid. I could never say what was on my mind, despite how many times my mom urged me to do so. She never actually listened, never understood, and never cared—she just wanted me to say what she wanted to hear. Throughout the rest of high school and into college, I knew I had to one day crawl out from underneath my mom’s expectations and be myself all the time. I knew I had to face my fear of both my mom and, in essence, my fear of being myself.

How did you face your fear?

I was forced to face my fear sooner than I would have chosen to do so. In college, I started dating my best friend, whom I loved very much. I didn’t know I could love someone of the same sex, but it happened, and I let it happen. I may not identify as “gay” or “bisexual,” or any of those other identifying terms, but I am dating a female, so call me what you wish (I like to just say I’m a human being who loves another human being). And back then, it was a huge secret. My mom has three rules when it comes to dating: 1) They must be the opposite sex, 2) They must be Caucasian, and 3) They must be a Christian. My secret girlfriend only met one of those expectations. And when my mom found us out, it was a disaster. It was the worst night of my life. If you’ve ever truly feared a parent, it doesn’t matter how old you are: they will always terrify you. There’s a lot more to the story that I won’t go into, but basically I was given an ultimatum: Either break up with my girlfriend and my mom would help me “cleanse my soul,” or I could get out of her house and never come back. I like to say I chose happiness that night, but none of those options truly made me 100% happy, as I was losing someone no matter what. What I did choose, though, was to face my fear: I chose to be myself. And though I miss my mom, despite our differences and difficulties, I am happy with my amazing girlfriend of almost 4 years, and I’m so proud of myself for choosing correctly that night 3 years ago. I have a job I enjoy, a partner I love, friends I cherish, and my own apartment, so I can now be myself even at home.

Thank you so much to Alyssa for sharing her story with me, this is one that tugged at my heartstrings. I’m so glad you were able to face your fear and are happy now!