In the modern-day, a woman can be anything they wants to be, and yet we are still asked constantly why we’re not married, do we have a partner, and aren’t we thinking about having kids yet? I’m getting sick of the same old questions and the attachment of worth to things that don’t define me.
I’m 25. I am single.
I’m 25. I am a Social Media Manager, I am a successful content creator. I am a strong woman. I am happy.
Seems the first statement is the one society care the most about.
I am not dating anyone and in the middle of a pandemic, I don’t think it’s going to happen for me quite yet. You’d think a global pandemic would be enough to halt any questioning of my future partner, but I’m still asked regular questions about my non-existent dating life. To start with I get it, people think having a partner would make me happy and give me a special person and I’m sure it would. But gradually it almost becomes attached to my worth and feels like I won’t be complete in the eyes of society if I remain single.
I like being in relationships, I’m good at them. But after being single for over two years now, I’ve become used to my own company and putting myself first, I am my own number one. I’d be perfectly happy if I met someone I wanted a relationship with, but that seems like it’s miles away and also shouldn’t be what I focus on to make me happy. The best kind of happiness is the one we can give ourselves and whilst other people will always make us happy, it’s truly empowering to know you don’t have to be with someone in a relationship to reach true happiness. Marriage is very important to me, it’s something I know I want for sure, but I’m also not going to balance all my happiness on it when I don’t even have a partner. It doesn’t define me and I need to remind myself it’s okay that it’s not happening yet, because it will someday.
As my friends start to get married and have babies it does make me feel like I’m falling behind, and I hate that I feel like that. I’m still young, but if I have any thought to ever having children, age becomes a ticking clock. The people that ask me if I’ve met a partner yet are the same people who tell me I have plenty of time to have children. Firstly, I don’t even know if I want kids yet, it still feels like something we ‘have’ to do, which makes it really hard to identify if it’s actually something I want. Secondly, if I do want them, I don’t want to assume it’ll be easy, nor fast, and I also still don’t have a partner (which I know I don’t need, but would like), so that adds even more time on. Really there’s a shit tone of pressures, especially for women who aren’t too sure what they want and everyone has an opinion to share. If it’s not asking us when when when, it’s telling us there’s no rush, even though our very biology disagrees with that statement.
My worth isn’t determined by any of this, no one’s worth is. I’m not Beth, single, childless, alone. I’m Beth, a successful social media manager, winner of two blogging awards, creator of awesome bookish content, friend to some really great people. I’m so much more than a few boxes I have to tick on a form stating if I’m married or have any dependants. We’re told to be modern women, we’re feminists, we stand up for ourselves, but it feels like our society is still trying to drag us back and cram us into their moulds. I don’t know where my future is heading, but I need these pressures removed, I want to do things because I want them and when I want them, not because it’s what is done.
If you want to read some books about societal pressures and the women carrying them, I have some recommendations, some I’ve read and some I haven’t:
- Sofia Khan is Not Obliged, Ayisha Malik
- Ghosts, Dolly Alderton
- Little Women, Louisa May Alcott – also check out the brilliant film adaptation!
- The Priory of the Orange Tree, Samantha Shannon
- Moxie, Jennifer Mathieu – another one with a fab film version on Netflix.
- A Woman is no Man, Etaf Rum – this one is newly added to my TBR, but it looks like it fits into this perfectly.
- Plain Bad Heroines, Emily M. Danforth – I just bought this book and it looks like it has some serious kick-ass lady leads!
My issue is, I’m happy single but on my wage it’s impossible to be independent. I live in a houseshare as I can’t afford to rent on my own and when I complain that I’ll never be able to buy (what the banks will loan me on my wage won’t even get me a studio flat) I get told I just need to meet a man… I shouldn’t need to meet a man to be able to be independent! And also, what if I’m not attracted to men. It’s very annoying! Rant over. See if I got paid for the actual teaching and the overtime I do I probably would be able to rent on my own!
I’m 26, I’m finishing a Masters in Management, and I’ve known for a few years now I do not want to have kids. I’m very independent, and because I’m demi, it is even harder to go into a relationship with someone. But I’m so okay with myself, it isn’t something I’m actively looking for. But oh boy, does society like to say I’m getting older, I should have a BOYfriend, or that I should start thinking about kids, although I’m still young (I feel you).
We’re strong, we’re worth it, and we need to remind ourselves of that. Thank you for this 💚
I have an almost opposite situation. I’m 5 years married (I married at 21), with a mortgage and plans for kids in the next 3 years or so. But I desperately want a career. I have been jobsearching for 6 years now, and have since gone back to uni for a 2nd degree to see if it helps. People always ask why I want a career when I have a husband with an engineer’s wage, or why I want more education when my husband and I already have one degree each. It’s never about what I want, what would make me feel fulfilled and happy – it’s almost as if marriage was the only goal I should have strived for. It’s annoying how backwards their thinking is!
This is a big feel for me right now. The pressure put in women is intense.
I’m married and have been with my husband since I was 16. Every time I speak with someone I get asked about our plans for children and when answering “no, I don’t think it’s for me” I get told “don’t worry, you will want them eventually”. My husband never gets asked this question.
I’m totally satisfied as I am at the moment. I have other plans for my life but because of my anatomy it’s deemed okay to ask me/belittle me about my uteruses plans.
Part of the reason that having kids is a no for me is the fact that women still have to struggle to be represented. We constantly have these phrases hung over our heads “oh, she’s just so emotional” or “she’s cold-hearted and frigid because she’s not shown me any attention”.
I’m not even going to go into the pay gap, working conditions for women, pregnancy and motherhood/work issues. The list is endless.
You keep being you and take things at your own pace. In order to be heard we have to push each other up!
Gem x