I have recently attended a free ‘Cognitive Behavioural Therapy’ session, funded for me by the NHS, England’s healthcare service. In this blog post I will be sharing my thoughts on this experience in the initially stages of getting help for my OCD.
My mental health
For some background, it makes sense for me to explain to you why I wanted to try this form of therapy. I have OCD, obsessive compulsive disorder, particularly pertaining to germs, saliva and cleanliness. This works really nicely alongside my serious phobia of vomiting. I have reached the level where I am now making myself feel physically ill and unable to leave the safety of a bathroom. It was time for this to stop.
Making an appointment
Making an appointment was a challenge in itself, having to wait for weeks for anyone to even phone me to discuss my OCD. I then went on a two hour phone call with a lady who was asking me a set of questions to assign me a number to where I was on the scale of OCD, and thus if she could offer me further help.
Good news readers, according to this carefully determined system that isn’t at all robotic, I have OCD! I am validated by technology and could now be seen by a real human. This wasn’t before this lady and I talked for a while over the phone and she default laughed at some of the more sensitive things I was telling her.
After waiting nearly two months, I was finally confirmed to have an in person appointment to see where to go next. As far as I was concerned, my help and support started on this day. I was feeling hopeful and motivated to stop feeling ill because of my OCD and phobia.
My ‘Cognitive Behavioural Therapy’ appointment
I attended my appointment, with the same woman who had spoken to me over the phone. It had been months so I expected to need to fill her in on a few details she would have forgotten. I did my usually explaining the life story, telling her not to worry about my parents divorce and blame my childhood etc, because it was really a very happy one.
Topics we discussed amounted to:
• My hand washing:
Me: Yes I wash my hands a little more often than others, they get quite raw and dry in the Winter and tend to crack.
Her: Do you wash your hands for long each time?
Me: No, just the normal amount of time, honestly, the hand washing isn’t an issue, it’s just an example of my OCD, but not one of the bad ones.
Her: You know, that most people think they’re doing something normally, but they’re really not. How long do you wash your hands for?
Me: *mimes wetting hands, using soap, washing off soap*
Her: Oh yes, okay that is normal hand washing
• Mindfullness:
Her: Have you tried mindfulness to try and relax? It sounds like you’re always very active.
Me: Yeah I like to keep busy, my brain is active quite a lot because I have a lot of hobbies.
Her: Oh. That sounds like ADHD. *Googles ADHD* Yes I think you have ADHD tendencies.
Me: Oh… erm right, I came here because of my OCD, I don’t have an issue with my brain being busy.
Her: Google it when you get home and I can refer you for medication.
Me: Oh, no, I don’t want medication, I’m just being me.
• Exposure therapy:
Her: So my computer system wants me to try exposure therapy with you, where we expose you to your phobia/OCD trigger and help to cure it.
Me: So make me touch people who have a sick bug?
Her: Erm… hold on *looks at computer*, this method isn’t really going to work for you is it?
Generally all of this amounted to her telling me she didn’t know what to do and she didn’t know how to help me. Made me feel a little bit broken for a second there before I remember no, I like myself, brain and all! So I asked her when she thought I should expect to realistically start treatment with someone who could help me out. 3 MONTHS guys. Which would make it 5 months from the date that I originally sought help.
I left. Feeling deflated. I waited for this appointment, thinking it would be the start of my journey to feeling better, to not feeling physically ill. I was wrong.
My thoughts now? By adding in ADHD to a list of mental health issues she was concerned with, this lady threatened to take away my individuality by labelling it with terms I have never been associated with before. Did she just need to put me in a box so it was easier for her? Yes I have trouble relaxing because my brain is always on the go, and I am a bit wild and creative at times and I talk A LOT. But that is me, that’s Beth, that wasn’t me asking to be given a label that she seemed to just pluck from a list of symptoms.
I went to this session for help with my OCD. I left feeling unvalidated, put in a box and stripped of things I thought were quirks and sparks of my personality. I now have to go back in three weeks and have it confirmed that no, they can’t help me.
I wanted to share my account of my experiences so you can see an honest path of the options I had available. Sometimes it isn’t easy and just seeking help doesn’t mean you will immediately get it. But, by seeking it sooner, it does mean you will start this rather long process, and get the help you need as soon as possible.
Ugh I’m so sorry you had such a bad experience. My experience with CBT was positive for the most part but thats was once I got to the point of going. I think it took a good 6 months before I got a call back for my depression, the system is a mess
It’s rubbish how long it actually takes to get going with it all. There’s no urgency!
Thanks for sharing your experience. As a mum watching my daughter trying to access help I can relate with this. Hope you find that someone who knows how to help sooner.
Thank you Kate, I’m glad you found the post helpful!
Totally relate to this. I suffered from severe OCD, anxiety and depression as a child (and still do-woot woot). I became so obsessed with the most random and seemingly trivial things like if my dolls weren’t spaced perfectly and I too became obsessed with germs and washing my hands. MY mom, having never dealt with mental illness before, says she was freaked out when I finally confessed all these worries and irrational thoughts to her but since my three younger siblings all suffer from similar mental illness issues she has become a pro at dealing with it. I have found mindfulness to be soooo helpful. In 2019 I made a resolution to do 10 minutes of meditation a day and I have surprisingly stuck with it and it is making a difference. I have found some guided meditations on YouTube and I like to take 10 minutes to deliberately clear my mind and focus only on my body and my breathing. Then, when I’m in stressful situations that trigger my anxiety or OCD, I’m able to tap into this mindful setting and I have seen such an improvement. Just know you are not alone!
Thank you Olivia, that was a really lovely comment to read. I’ve tried mindfulness before and I struggle to reach that deeply relaxed state, but maybe I should consider trying it again.
Wow, that sounds awful! ERP is the gold standard of OCD treatment but it sounds like she was just reading off a computer and had no idea what it really entails. Have you read Freedom from OCD by Jonathan Grayson, or The OCD workbook by Hyman and Pedrick? I really recommend both of them. I have Pure O so my experience is slightly different from yours, but those books helped me so much and now when I’m triggered and want to perform compulsive behaviour I can recognise what’s happening in my brain and let it be there without getting sucked in. I actually used the NOCD app to structure my own ERP and after a few false starts (shit is scary and it’s easy to make excuses) I noticed improvements over a few weeks.
OCD is an asshole, but it’s an asshole that can be quietened and dealt with <3
Isabelle | http://isabellemarieflynn.blogspot.com/
Thanks Isabelle! I think I will have to check out those books. It’s such a bugger to try and deal with, it needs to be acknowledged that everyone deals with it differently and that’s okay!
I can totally empathize with being labeled as “sick” for something that’s just your personality. I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time finding help, but I’m glad you feel motivated to look for options to feel better. I had great success with Cognitive Behavioral therapy but, of course, it depends on a lot of things and on the practitioner. I wish you the best!
Thanks Andrea, I think I’ll have to keep looking for alternatives now.
I’m so sorry that they weren’t helpful and tried to label you! I’ve been wrongly diagnosed with ADHD in the past. I’ve also had a similar experience with seeking help for my anxiety and depression. When I went to the doctors I had to ask to be tested for depression, using the same questionnaire method that I’d had in the past. He barely knew what I was talking about, so looked it up on his desktop, and we got there in the end. When I sought help from a psychologist, I asked for CBT and they enrolled me in a seminar based course and a group course; neither of which I could attend because my anxiety was so bad. It also left me frustrated and feeling as though they hadn’t listened to me as an individual. I hope you find someone who can help x
I definitely know the feeling. I was told about the group sessions too, but for me it triggers it to be told about other people’s OCD. It’s hard to be treated as a number and not an individual.
WHAT??? Please tell me there isn’t someone that —– praticing as a psychologist! Holy damn, that makes me so mad!
I do understand leaving deflated because of bad professionals. I have two learning disorders, disgraphia and taquifemia, and I only searched for a diagnosis on my adulthood, when the stress of starting my master in college, as a psychologist (that always strucks me as funny), were making my symptons worse and disrupting my life. In Portugal, we need to go to our family doctor, ask to be refered to a psychologist, which my medical center did have, and if needed, a referal to a neurologist. I hated it, I started the conversation that I wanted to see if I had dyslexia, my family doctor and the psychologist didn’t take my symptons seriously, and told me they were from anxiety, which couln’t be more far from the truth. Also, the psychologist didn’t know anything about learning disorders, like, even less that I did (and I had 3 years of psychology), so I had no idea why I even went there waste time. I was so mad that I asked for another doctor (I did have a history of past problems with my late doctor), and it was with the psychologist from the neurology service that I found my diagnosis and why I had them.
I seriously can’t deal with bad professionals. A label doesn’t make who you are, you went with a reason and she dismissed the problem, you are a unique person and a computer cannot factor all the variables that are you, that’s why we learn in college that evaluations only give so much info, and it’s the interview that’s important, and what the person that is in front of us that counts. She should have listened to what you were saying and asking for, not trying to put you in a box because “it’s easier”, I mean… I spent two years studying anxiety disorders and I still have mine, it doesn’t help, and group sessions are not for everybody.
It’s awesome that you asked for help, it’s really brave and a hard thing to do, and I hate that you had to deal with an idiot. I hope you find a good therapist/psychologist, that actually knows what they’re doing, and can find a solution that you actually like and is adapted to you, and not to what a computer says –.
Beth, I’m so sorry this was your experience. The first interview and first session are the most important, especially when it comes to making sure a person feels comfortable enough to return for care, and I’m sorry this person didn’t do that for you. I can honestly say, when matched with someone who actually knows what they’re doing , CBT can be effective, as can the exposure therapy. It really depends on the person, both the one who needs help and the one helping. However, most of the time, you get someone either burned out, eager to label you, under-qualified, or just simply not the right fit. Or worse, you get someone who brushes legit issues under the rug as “normal”, which can be devastating for some people. I’ve been in and out of therapy since I was 4. Gods, the labels they gave were everything from Schizophrenia to Bipolar NOS to ODD & ADD. To be fair, MH was changing at that time (in the 90s) but it was still crazy how many meds I was on and how often someone just decided I was this or that. I truly feel like MH care hasn’t improved; in some ways, it’s not as bad, but in most ways, it’s the same or worse. The labels are still handed out like candy, often without making sure the criteria is met. There are fewer options now than 15 years ago. And the cost of MH services in the US are well into the hundreds of dollars range, even just for medication.
It’s particularly awful that your therapist was consulting a computer in front of you. This means her attention wasn’t entirely on you & she doesn’t sound like she was familiar enough with your condition to properly treat you. Personally, if someone doesn’t have a background in OCD or a familiarity with the criteria in the DSM 5, I wouldn’t trust them. That alone will tell you whether or not they’ll be able to help. Also, side note: Exposure therapy is ONLY beneficial when the patient is ready for it. If forced, studies show it doesn’t really work. You’ve got to build to that point. Just randomly bringing it up as if you’re going to do it without building that relationship between you and the therapist is like a stranger trying to marry you at first sight.
Again, I am so sorry this was your experience. I wish the world cared more about MH for there to be better treatments for us.
I’m so sorry you had such a rubbish experience. I want to say well done though for reaching out and asking for help – you’re in the system now which means you’ll get some help, even if you have to wait a long time.
I had CBT for OCD years ago hit as a child was lucky to circumnavigate the long waiting lists. In adulthood I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression and have started to recognise early signs and then reach out to support groups – knowing there will be a waiting list.
Other thing I’m lucky to have in my area is a charity based support group. I joke that it’s a little like AA where a group of strangers talk about their problems. But I find it hugely valuable- might be worth seeing what resources you have near you?
Good luck though and you are not alone!