What I’ve learnt about myself in two years of being single and how it’s empowered me

It occurred to me recently that having been single for nearly two years now, I’ve learnt a few things about myself. When I look back on who I was at the end of my relationship in early 2019 and who I am now… well, they’re quite different. So I thought it would make an interesting blog post to talk about what I’ve learnt in these two years.

For context, I was in a four year relationship from age 14 to 18 and then a five year relationship from 18 to 23, so basically I spent most of my late teens and young adult life in long term relationships. I’d say I’m pretty good in relationships, I’m fun, trusting, not clinging and I like my own space. But I also really like being with someone and sharing my life with them. So when my relationship ended in 2019 I was shocked and felt thrown. I thought this was the person I would spend the rest of my life with and so to be told otherwise, I felt like I had to completely change my way of thinking about my future.

Of course I had a chunk of time where I felt utterly shit, I was crying constantly and missing him, a lot. This break up came with a lot of sadness, however it was also very final. I knew that it was the end of any form of relationship or contact with him for my own well fair, so I cut that off to help me heal. I think that sense of finality, the lack of possibility that we would get back together, helped me move on in a different way to how I’ve felt in the past.

I was able to accept that I was alone. And for the first time in nine years, that I was going to be alone for some time. I met my first boyfriend at school and my second at university, both places where it is a lot easier to meet someone. In 2019 I was in a new job and all my friends lived miles way, I wasn’t best poised to meet someone new, and I haven’t for the last two years – special mention to COVID-19 for stopping that for the last year though. I reached a stage around 6 months after the break up where I was attempting dating, even though I knew I wasn’t ready and that reflected in how panicked I felt when I met potential dates. I used dating apps, hated them, deleted them, downloaded them again, hated them still – and still do. It wasn’t exactly easy to find someone for me, even in a post COVID world. So I stopped looking.

Four paragraphs into this blog post and I’m finally talking about what I’ve learnt from being single. It maybe took me around 9-12 months to actually accept I was single, I am alone, and that is okay. Pretty much 80% of my friends are in relationships and that can be tricky at times, when you compare yourself to where they are in life. But I’ve also been able to see what I do and don’t like in my life, for me. Spending nine years in relationships never really allowed me to get to know myself outside of one, as just Beth rather than Beth and X.

At 25 I can often feel a huge level of pressure to be at a certain stage in life, but actually sod that. I may not have a partner, or a child, or a big house, but I do have my own flat that I have been able to really make my space, and I’ve been able to do that on my own. I think it’s all relative as to what each individual wants and has. We can all find things we’re jealous of in other people, I may be jealous of someone’s relationship that isn’t actually all it seems, and in turn they may be jealous of something I have. I think there’s something huge to be said for being happy with where I am and not trying to constantly push myself forward. This time to be alone has allowed me to slow down and realise I don’t need everything right here and right now and it is okay to just take my time.

In the last two years my BooksNest work has totally taken off and has opened so many doors for me. I’m not saying I couldn’t have achieved this in a relationship, but with more time on my hands for me, I’ve been able to establish what is really important to me and work towards that. I only have to worry about myself in a way, sure I have family and friends etc, but living alone and being my own number one, means I take care of myself first. I am someone who likes to look after other people, so I can often forget to look after myself and having this two year reminder has been nice. I don’t have to think of anyone else before I make plans, it’s so refreshing.

I’ve also learnt something about my own mood and mental health. When you’re in a relationship the other person’s mood can sway your own, if they’re feeling grumpy they may well stir up an argument that then makes you feel rubbish. I think that’s the best part of being single, I am in charge of how I feel. Not to say other people can’t upset me or make me annoyed, but it definitely feels different.

I’ve always struggled with liking myself and seeing my own success. For a 25 year old I feel like I’ve done quite well, I own a flat, I own a nice car, I have nice things, I have a good level job on a good salary and my BooksNest work is booming and has won me two awards. On paper that’s all pretty impressive right? And do you know what? I can recognise that too. But for some reason it’s taken being single and spending time by myself for me to see my own wins and for me to love myself for more them. We can’t help but change in tiny ways when we’re in relationships, not for bad or worse, but I noticed parts of myself changing for sure. And one of the things I enjoy about being single is I know I am living just for me and being my most authentic self. I felt very empowered when I figured that out.

I’m not trying to write this as some spinster discarding love – because don’t get me wrong, I’m definitely at a point where I’m ready for a relationship now. But I also know that I can survive – and thrive – on my own. Not everyone gets this time alone, I remember my mum telling me she wished she had this time like I have. So I suppose whilst I didn’t want the relationship to end in 2019, and even still now feel sad that it did, it has done me so many favours. I didn’t go to Thailand, buy a pair of elephant trousers and find myself. I just gave myself time, started to love myself day by day and be okay with not having a partner.  Being in a relationship may have made me happy, but being single hasn’t been too bad for my mental health either.

plan it